I Need.......

Today I am a bit irritated, but you know how I feel about complaining so I will try not to rant and rave about why I am irritated, instead I am just gonna practice self-control and pour out a bit of my heart. Hope that's okay.

Larry and I have been married for almost 16 years and many of you know that it has been and continues to be a constant struggle. It's not like we fight  a lot its just that we are not happy as a couple. We get along most of the time, but that is pretty much because we go about our busy lives separately and have very little intimacy.

Most people that have observed us think we are friends, and I guess that is true to some extent, I care about him and he cares about me and ultimately we want the other person to be happy, but somewhere along the line we stopped caring about making each other happy.

I have read book after book on ways to improve my marriage but when everything you try fails you get worn down and begin feeling that it's hopeless. Continued failures turn into bitterness and it gets harder and harder to find positive things to focus on just to keep more distance coming between us.

In a family someone has to take the lead, and God knows I wish that was Larry, but he simply won't do it.  I don't know if he is worried about making the wrong decisions or just doesn't want that responsibility or if its just too much work, cause it is A LOT of work especially alone.

I have felt alone for 16 years as  wife, a mother and as a woman, I am not saying that Larry doesn't do anything, I am saying that what we have is not the partnership that it needs to be for either of us. We are so different but so much alike, the things we need most from each other are also the things we need ourselves and we just can't figure out how to get passed all the pain, anger and bitterness that has accumulated over the years to fulfill each others needs.

Larry and I rarely talk about serious issues unless they involve the kids, sadly when the kids are not around I go about my business and he goes about his, its like strangers living under the same roof.

In approximately 4 years both of my children will be off to college and I find myself wondering where  will that leave me?  As a mom much of my life is centered around them, and keeps me quite busy but when they are gone who will I share my life with if not my husband?

I wish it was easy to just sit down and have a heart to heart with Larry, but either I don't know how to effectively create a safe environment where we can both do that or Larry is just permanently on the defense all the time, which is a possibility. Learning how to maneuver around his bipolar personality has never been easy.

Some of you who know me probably think I brought this on myself,  and you might be right. I am a hopeless case of hopefulness. I believe that anything is possible but I never took into account the toll it might take on me as a woman. That is not to say I am ready to give up I just need more strength. I need wisdom. I need healing. I need to quiet my pride. I need divine intervention.
I need your prayers.

I am not an unhappy person, and there is not a lot that gets me down or keeps me down, but beneath the joyful surface there is a sadness that I would like to see find some happiness.